Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
