While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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