i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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