fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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