Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
