Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
