Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
