My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
