HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
