I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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