You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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