All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
