never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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