i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Randomize
