im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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