an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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