Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you told grandpa to call you daddy
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
