life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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