Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
