I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
