i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
