you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
