I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
It's just like the Real World with babies
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
