new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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