I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
