my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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