i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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