your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Life is so much better after having sex.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
