return my video game
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
