My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
