She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
