Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
