Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
