I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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