Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
