i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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