WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
