I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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