I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
