I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
