remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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