His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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