The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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