we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
