I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
