I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
