cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
