I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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