I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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