You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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